Gay & Lesbian Counseling
This is a time of great challenge and great opportunity for gays and lesbians.  It's time to be a healthy, strong individual and a healthy, strong couple.

Are you gay, lesbian, bisexual, or questioning?  I provide counseling and psychotherapy for the issues that are specific to the gay and lesbian community.  I have over 12 years of experience working closely with gay and lesbian clients and couples in the Long Beach and Orange County areas.  Gay and lesbian issues are an area of therapy where finding a therapist you relate to,"click" with, and trust is an even more important and fundamental part of therapy, since it is the foundation for all the work and growth that follows.  Lesbian and gay clients can rest assured that they have found a safe, supportive, affirming therapist with me.

For more information on my work with gay and lesbian counseling issues, please visit my second website, newcenturycounseling.com.

 
Are you wrestling with any of these issues?  Please contact me and let me help.

  • Coming to terms with your sexuality
  • Coming out:  how, when, and to whom
  • Finding a good relationship
  • Working through relationship conflicts & difficulties
  • Setting the "rules" and dealing with cheating
  • Coming out later in life, possibly already married to an opposite-sex spouse & possibly with kids
  • Whether or not you should get married to a same-sex partner
  • Are you really right for each other?  Should you get legally married?
  • Depression and anxiety issues
  • Self-acceptance and self-confidence
  • Feelings of shame, guilt, or low self-esteem
  • Feelings of rejection or isolation
  • Drugs, alcohol, and codependency
  • Finding a partner who wants a long-term relationship
  • Mending broken hearts and learning to trust again
  • Anger and arguments
  • Gay parenting challenges
  • Having a healthy, mature, balanced sexuality & sexual expression
  • Sorting out issues of faith and spirituality
  • Rejection by your church
  • Managing difficult relationships with extended family


John McNeill, author:  "Since many lesbians and gay men do not have children of their own, they tend to redirect a vast reservoir of unselfish love into the human community. So great is the reservoir that the world could not bear its loss.

Despite their personal suffering, the loving presence of lesbian women and gay men is the oil that keeps the whole human machine running. If, somehow, gay people were to disappear from the scene, the whole human community would be in danger of being seriously dehumanized."



Same-Sex Couples

In separate lines of research, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman have observed the strength and resilience of same-sex couples—even in the midst of the cultural and social stresses to which same-sex couples are uniquely vulnerable. These couples—like all couples—need and deserve tailored, research-based support when they are in distress.

Together, the Gottmans have a commitment to assuring that lesbian and gay couples have resources to help strengthen and support their relationships. Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman made a key contribution to research on daughters of lesbians: her work showed that daughters with lesbian moms do just as well as those raised by straight moms. Dr. John Gottman conducted the first longitudinal study of its kind of gay and lesbian relationships using multiple methods and measures. He was able assess the emotional strengths and weaknesses of the relationships, and to learn what makes these relationships more or less stable.

What We’ve Learned: What Makes Same-Sex Relationships Succeed or Fail?

Dr. Gottman and his colleagues conducted a twelve-year study of same-sex couples to learn what makes same-sex relationships succeed or fail. The research demonstrates that all couple types—straight or gay—have many of the same problems and the same paths to staying happy together. But research has shown that there are also some qualities of strength (like humor and ability to calm down during a fight) that are especially key to same-sex couples.

The 12 Year Study:

Gay and Lesbian Couples Research: A case of similarities of same-sex and cross-sex couples, differences between gay and lesbian couples

Using state-of-the-art methods while studying 21 gay and 21 lesbian couples, Dr. John Gottman (University of Washington) and Dr. Robert Levenson (University of California at Berkeley) have learned what makes same-sex relationships succeed or fail.

One key result: Overall, relationship satisfaction and quality are about the same across all couple types (straight, gay, lesbian) that Dr. Gottman has studied. This result supports prior research by Lawrence Kurdek and Pepper Schwartz: They find that gay and lesbian relationships are comparable to straight relationships in many ways.

“Gay and lesbian couples, like straight couples, deal with every day ups-and-downs of close relationships,” Dr. Gottman observes. “We know that these ups-and-downs may occur in a social context of isolation from family, workplace prejudice, and other social barriers that are unique to gay and lesbian couples.” The research uncovered differences, however, that suggest that workshops tailored to gay and lesbian couples can have a strong impact on relationships.

What have they learned? Results from the Gottman gay/lesbian couples study

Gay/lesbian couples are more upbeat in the face of conflict. Compared to straight couples, gay and lesbian couples use more affection and humor when they bring up a disagreement, and partners are more positive in how they receive it. Gay and lesbian couples are also more likely to remain positive after a disagreement. “When it comes to emotions, we think these couples may operate with very different principles than straight couples. Straight couples may have a lot to learn from gay and lesbian relationships,” explains Gottman.
Gay/lesbian couples use fewer controlling, hostile emotional tactics. Gottman and Levenson also discovered that gay and lesbian partners display less belligerence, domineering and fear with each other than straight couples do. “The difference on these ‘control’ related emotions suggests that fairness and power-sharing between the partners is more important and more common in gay and lesbian relationships than in straight ones,” Gottman explained.

In a fight, gay and lesbian couples take it less personally. In straight couples, it is easier to hurt a partner with a negative comment than to make one’s partner feel good with a positive comment. This appears to be reversed in gay and lesbian couples. Gay and lesbian partners’ positive comments have more impact on feeling good, while their negative comments are less likely to produce hurt feelings. “This trend suggests that gay and lesbian partners have a tendency to accept some degree of negativity without taking it personally,” observes Gottman.
Unhappy gay and lesbian couples tend to show low levels of “physiological arousal.” This is just the reverse for straight couples. For straights, physiological arousal signifies ongoing aggravation. The ongoing aroused state—including elevated heart rate, sweaty palms, and jitteriness—means partners have trouble calming down in the face of conflict. For gay and lesbian couples this lower level of arousal shows that they are able to soothe one another.

Gay and lesbian differences—mostly gender differences—on emotional expressiveness

In a fight, lesbians show more anger, humor, excitement and interest than conflicting gay men. This suggests that lesbians are more emotionally expressive—positively and negatively—than gay men. This result may be the effect of having two women in a relationship. Both have been raised in a society where expressiveness is more acceptable for women than for men, and it shows up in their relationships.

Gay men need to be especially careful to avoid negativity in conflict. When it comes to repair, gay couples differ from straight and lesbian couples. If the initiator of conflict in a gay relationship becomes too negative, his partner is not able to repair as effectively as lesbian or straight partners. “This suggests that gay men may need extra help to offset the impact of negative emotions that inevitably come along when couples fight,” explains Gottman.

How did Drs. Gottman and Levenson study same-sex couples? Gottman and Levenson recorded gay and lesbian couples interacting and coded partners’ expressions to learn more about their emotions. They also used more common self-reporting and interview methods, in detail and over time. The combination of these measures provided a thorough assessment. The results of this research are currently under review for publication.