We all know that anything worth having is worth working for, and that goes doubly true with regard to our intimate relationships.
- Do you feel like your partner has your back? Did you know this feeling is probably the most important aspect of being a couple?
- If you can focus on the emotional needs behind the anger, withdrawal, or tears, you can address the real need your partner has.
- If you can overcome your own urge to defend yourself, the most important thing above all is conveying to your partner that you're supposed to be a team.
I take a more active and directive approach in working with clients and with couples, offering insights, feedback, and encouragement. Although I incorporate elements of self-taught Gottman and Emotionally Focused couples counseling, my specialization is in doing deeper work with couples. I find that many, if not most, couples I work with need Depth psychology for real transformation, and not just tinkering around the edges. By the time a couple sees the need for counseling, their marriage or relationship will need a fresh, new beginning, and not just small adjustments here and there. Not all couples counselors will be able to do this deeper-level work.
Communication, sharing of emotions, and finding practical and workable solutions are all very important; but sometimes issues go deeper than that, and that is where I can help. What I bring to couples counseling is my working knowledge of Gottman and Emotionally-Focused therapy, but mainly my study and years of experience with Depth psychology work.
Anyone Can Find a Happy Relationship
"Describe the kinds of people you think are destined for a happy relationship. What kind of work do they do? How old are they? How much money do they make? How much education do they have? What religion are they? You probably have some pretty strong images in your mind. But the truth is that none of these factors determines relationship quality. People of every kind of background have found happiness in relationships, and people of every kind of background have encountered difficulties. Fulfilling relationships have everything to do with who you are but not with what you are."
"I'm not working on a deadline -- I'm not a product on the shelf that's going to expire. I'm going to live my life and find someone. I have no doubt. Look around you at the evidence -- all sorts of people are finding each other all the time, all over the place. I'll find the right person for me."
David Niven, PhD: The 100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships
In couples counseling, you will learn to:
- Deal with frustrations, conflict, and arguements
- Work through differences in spending money and raising kids
- Work on feeling close, feeling supported, and feeling like a team
- Have a plan and go forward in the same direction together
- Deal with alchol use/abuse and/or other substance use
- Communicate more calmly and openly.
- Understand the fundamental personality differences between you and your partner.
- Understand the value and necessity of compromise and finding workable soluations, not perfect solutions.
- Work through anger and pain after an affair, discover if reconcilliation is possible, and begin to rebuild trust.
- Experience confidence and security in yourself, which is the necessary foundation of a strong relationship.
- Understand and resolve deeper, underlying conflicts in your mind that are the pattern for your way of relating.
- See the value of reinvesting your sexual energy in your partner --
- and the advantages of having a sexual partner who knows you very well.
- Learn to be proactive in keeping your bond solid.
In my couples counseling work, the Big Four concepts that I utilize most are:
1. Developing a positive, pro-active, and natural communication style
2. Understanding & working positively with personality differences
3. Understanding each other's "Love Language"
4. Attachment styles - perhaps the deepest and most important part of couplehood ~ Read More
Expanding your knowledge and increasing your skills in these and other important areas provides the basis for working out your differences as a couple, and finding your way toward greater harmony together.
The simple, but important "Speaker-Listener" technique:
It promotes the two most important elements of communicating: staying calm, and keeping a warm feeling. This is one aspect of the new skill set you must develop in order to successfully address the areas of difficulity and conflict in your relationship.
In couples counseling, I will meet initially with both members of the couple together for several sessions, and then begin to include individual sessions with each partner. In addition to working on the couple relationship, each individual partner should develop personal goals for how they want to feel differently, communicate better, and interact more positively and productively with their partner.
Of course, when doing couples counseling, there is a no-secrets policy. There is nothing that can be shared with the therapist in your individual sessions that cannot be shared, appropriately, with your partner. In couples counseling, whether meeting together or individually, the "client" is still the couple, and the goal is still to make the couple relationship healthier and stronger.
Please feel free to contact me, and we can discuss your unique situation. Together we can begin to figure out what the next steps are that move you toward progress in your marriage or relationship.